10th January 2009

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i just sat in my bathtub for an hour while the shower ran on my head.

i. need. to. stop.

i have reached a turning point in my life, i need to make changes now.

last night i got so drunk that i don’t remember 3/4th of the evening… that’s not good. i can’t do this/ that anymore. i get hurt and hurt other people way to much when i do that. i need to face my problems as the arise instead of putting them all on the back burner till they are all over-flowing and exploding everywhere, on everything, and everyone.

yesterday in RA training we did this activity where you figure out what color your personality is. i am a blue first and an orange second. let me just tell you a little bit of something that i learned about my so called blue personality…

- i apparently am a people pleasure, and will do anything to make another person comfortable over myself.

- i am a hopeless romantic.

- i will sit and think about a problem all day long and never let it go untill it is resolved.

- i am a pushover.

- people walk all over me all the time.

- i get my feelings hurt very easily when i feel like someone who i care for deeply doesn’t want to talk to me, or is angry with me.

this personality color excersice was probably the only important information that i got from the entire day yesterday. i know all of these “things” about myself, and i know that i will always take the blame, or let people walk all over me etc…

i guess what was important was that we are supposed to learn from this and that will make us stronger as people. which is very true because when you know what your personality contains that is when you can set limits for it.

all i really know is that i have spent the past day sitting and thinking about : a) what an ass i am. b) how i can make my best friend talk to me again. and c) what i can do to change myself so that a situation like this never arises again.

the only one out of all of those that i have control over is c.

A: yeah, i made an ass out of myself but who doesn’t every once and awhile. i was drunk and shit happens when you are drunk. that’s it. this is why you have friends is so that you can make an ass out of yourself and so they can forgive you for it.

B: as far as the second goes. there is really nothing i can do except wait. i hope that he will talk to me eventually because whatever is going on right now is killing me.i really have never felt this bad about something in a very long time.

C: and the third. well all i can say readers is this: i promise that i will never cry when i’m drunk again (yes, i do). i promise that i will never get so drunk that i don’t remember what i did the next morning. and i also promise that i will try my best to deal with the shit that is going on in my mind instead of drinking.

my friend jon said to me tonight when he dropped me off at my room, “sometimes you need to reevaluate everything in your life and change a lot of things around to make sure that you are happy with it.”

all i have to say is that i have made a lot of decisions, and i am ready for this whole thing to be over with. i’m ready to not feel like shit. i am ready to talk to my best friend again, and i am ready to be a new person… even thought a lot of people whom i don’t even know think i am crazy…. i am ready. i promise that this will never be a topic of discussion on here ever again. i will never write another blog about what a shittastic mess i have made out of my life once again…