16th February 2009

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take care of yourself bb.

that’s what my friend nicole said to me tonight before she hugged me goodbye.

have you ever thought about what it truely means to take care of yourself?

when i was a freshman i had to take care of myself. in the sense that i had no friends, and i took care of myself by learning how to be alone.

last year i was introduced to the world of having friends. i love my friends dearly and wouldn’t trade them for anything. i took care of myself by being with my friends who love me and care abut me.

take care of yourself bb.

i don’t even know what that means anymore? take care of youself from the perspective of others means what they think is right. what is emotionally right to them.

sometimes i wish i wasn’t an adult and that someone would take care of me for me…

i read this passage in a book a couple weeks back. it was written by an elevn year old. she was talking about her eleventh birthday. she talks about how you are never always one age:

“some days you might say soething stupid, and that’sthe part of you that’s still ten. Or some days maybe you might need to sit on your mamma’s lap because you’re scared, and that’s that part of you that is five. And maybe one day when you’re all grown up maybe you will need to cry lik if you’re three, and that’s okay. that’s what I tell Mama when she’s sad and needs to cry. Maybe she’s feeling three.”

this is so true.

tonight i went into the church on campus at 10:30 at night, and i sat in the dark and cried for about 20 minutes straight.  i haven’t cried that hard in such a long time. i needed to be three. except i think that my problems these days are a lot bigger than when i was three.

my sister is engaged. i think i mentioned that a couple days back.

think about this:

i am the youngest of four girls. all of my sisters have a boyfriend, are engaged, or married. my mother consistently asks me if i have found a boyfriend yet.

oof… how do you say: i feel like the failure daughter? sorry mom i don’t know how to meet someone. BUT i sure do know how to be a pushover, almost get fired, not do well on my genetics quiz… hmmm. awesome.

take care of yourself bb:

this is a statement that will always be left hanging…it will be ever changing.

right now i think i know how to take care of myself.i know what i like. what i want in my life… and i feel like shit when that is not there.i feel like i have a good strong hold on what i need right now. i guess the key term here is what I need. sometimes what you need, hope, wish, and want out of life is extremly different than what others see… just like the phrase take care of yourself bb.

everyone sees things differently.

i see things perfectly for how they could work out. i convince myself of what will, could, or should happen. but i guess that is why i am the one who is always needing to take a time out and be three for just a sec… because i act like a fucking three year old.

the things that i deem to be important are obviouly not adult in many peoples eyes. because no one else seems to see them as important as i do.

take care of yourself bb: grow up bb: get your head out of the clouds bb.

are you still reading this… my head stopped a long time ago. i’m just typing.